I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
