How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
