i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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