dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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