What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
