I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
