So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
