Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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