I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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