Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
