Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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