He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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