Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
