addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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