No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
