please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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