you guys were way drunker than both of me
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize