If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
