my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Randomize
