my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
