I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
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