your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
