So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
