and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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