What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
