We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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