the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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