omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
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