he told me I talked like a deaf person
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
how does that bad decision feel?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
