wanna go halves on a baby?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
