Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
