just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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