Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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