I just threw up on my dentist
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
