i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
