It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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