Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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