Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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