Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
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