There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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