my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
