i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
