So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
