How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
