The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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