i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
