dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
