No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
