White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
