I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
