so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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