i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
