Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize