She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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