how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
